China has warned Australia that if it continues to send China goods that its consumers want to buy, China will have no alternative but to occupy 'their little island in our ocean' and turn it into a battery.

Leaked documents sent to FNN reveal that China intends to cover the whole of the outback with solar panels, connected along Australia's indigenous electricity grid known as the 'songlines'. The power will be fed back to China via an undersea tunnel built by Elon Musk's Boring Company and will provide enough electricity to satisfy 0.1% of the power consumption needs of Shanghai - when all the rice cookers are off that is.

A Chinese government spokesperson commented:

We copied this most excellent idea from decadent Western movie The Matrix. But unlike lazy Westerners we will actually implement it, harnessing the whole of Australia as a power source for the great Chinese people.

A spokesperson for the Australian Minister for Power -  Bill 'Battler' Heslop had this say:

They can go fuck themselves, the slant-eyed bastards. They better watch out or I'll send our special forces over and chuck them all off a cliff. Batteries my arse. An' you can tell that Keanu Reeves to fuck off as well, bloody pommy poofter. Hey Muriel...get me another tinny, I'm parched.