OBEs and MBEs, remnants of Britain's colonial past, are no more. The New Year Honours list is to be replaced with a National Treasure Register (NTR).

The number of national treasures has increased dramatically since the introduction of reality TV shows and now there are hundreds of D-List celebs who may qualify for national treasuredom in the future.  

Naturally anyone can become a national treasure but it helps if you are old, gay or a luvvie and preferably all three.

Dame Rudi Bench has complained that being a national treasure is "A terrible label. So dusty and dreary. A bit like my underwear."

A major benefit of becoming a national treasure is that once you are inducted onto the register, you can never be removed, other than in exceptional cases e.g. Jimmy Savile who had to be removed because he smoked cigars, which are bad for your health.

Also, as a safeguard, if a national treasure moves into your neighbourhood then you have a right to be informed so that you can smile benignly when you see them in the street and say "Aw...Bless". 

A new network of care homes for national treasures will be established under the "Marigold Hotel" brand name to provide them with a warm retirement in Goa.

The current honorifics of "Sir" and "Dame" will be preserved but supplemented by a new honorific of "BAME" for non-white recipients of national treasure status.

The new ceremony will not include either the Queeen or a sword to avoid the taint of colonialism and accidental beheadings.