Following President Putin's landslide win in last weekend's Russian election, Western politicians and various national treasures have been lining up to condemn the election as a sham and a fraud including Lord 'kiss my ass' Cameron here in the UK.

FNN can summarise the claims made by western democracies that the election is invalid:

• Voter turnout was claimed to be over 74%, which must be a lie since most western democracies cannot manage to attract turnout anywhere near that high due to voter apathy with their status-quo 'all mouth, no action' politics.
  
  
• There was no real opposition to Putin, as unfortunately a right-wing xenophobe extremist backed by the west died before the election leaving many Russians who want to get rid of 'cockroach' immigrants disenfranchised and angry.
  
  
• The election used electronic voting which no-one uses in the west because of the likelihood of 'hacking' the results.
  
  
• The election should never have been held in a time of war, which is why President Zelensky wisely cancelled democratic elections in Ukraine.

• Voting in the Russian diaspora was interfered with, for example in the Baltic States, so who knows whether this interference impacted the election result and could have swung it away from Putin.

• The election should have been stopped due to numerous undemocratic protest 'insurrections' around the country at polling stations, something that never happens in the west.
  
  
• Elections in the 'new territories' in Ukraine are invalid as everyone knows that the Ukrainian citizens of these regions enjoyed being shelled by Kiev for years after the US-backed, right-wing coup in 2014 and would never in their right minds vote for the protection of Russia.
  
  
• Unlike elections in the USA, votes are never 'bought' by rich and powerful families with union connections (as in Illinois in 1960), or subject to disputed recounts where the election victory secured in a key swing state (as in Florida in 2000) depended on just 537 votes.
  
  instead voters are simply intimidated into voting for a candidate who has clearly not raised standards of living in Russia and caused the economy to be bankrupted in the face of western sanctions and the withdrawal of so many western brands beloved of the Russian people.

• It's impossible for the west to understand why anyone would vote for the person who authorised the blowing up of the Nordstream pipeline, releasing millions of tons of methane into the atmosphere in order to cut off one of the biggest customers for Russian energy (Germany), force it to buy more expensive LPG from the USA and ruin a multi-billion dollar infrastructure investment made by Russia to secure future energy revenues for generations to come.

• Finally, everyone knows that all Russians are scared stiff of Putin and would never vote for him or his 'make Russia great again' agenda, so anyone who did is clearly deranged. Unlike those in 'the land of the free' getting ready to vote for demented geriatrics like Biden or Trump because there is no other viable opposition with enough money to run against them.

It's gratifying to know that our elections in the west are so much more, well, democratic, free and fair!