UK tennis star Francesca Jones shocked the world at a press interview before the Australian Open by revealing that she is not too keen on social media:

I don't like the influence social media has on children, on teenagers. It frustrates me how it sways someone's opinion. 

A spokesperson for the Soclal Consortium of Universal Media (SCUM) told FNN:

This is the most ridiculous thing we have ever heard.

How can anyone object to providing global platforms for the dissemination of porn, hate speech, anti-semitism, islamophobia and misogyny among other social cancers. 

And why would anyone not want to be subject to online stalking, trolling, death and rape threats just for expressing their opinion. That is if we don't cancel you for failing to comply with our "terms and conditions" that we make up as we go along.

It's unbelievable!

Spokesperson for the Australian Tennis Association, Bill "Battler" Heslop commented:

Social media is just utter bollocks. I don't give a f**k if you like or don't like what I say or want to follow me. If you've got something to say, say it to me directly. And if I find you following me, I'll give you a stalkers kiss - a good kick in the balls.

Hey Muriel! Get me a tinny - I'm parched. 

EU spokesperson Ursula Von Richthofen had this to say:

The EU is looking at introducing legislation for a troll tax that penalizes users for comments that our AI algorithms consider to be trolling. Vorsprung durch Teknik!

Norwegian spokesperson Jack Beanstalksson responded: 

Unfortunately Norway is against a troll tax as it may be misinterpreted by certain members of our indigenous population and could lead to lots of loud ho, ho, hoes and general stamping about the countryside.