Rumours that pubs in England will not be allowed to sell beer after the latest UK lockdown have been met with disbelief by boozers everywhere.
Other measures to be considered by the UK government include banning the sale of:
- bacon sandwiches from Greggs
- scratchcards from corner shops
- popcorn and soda from cinemas
- top-shelf magazines from independent newsagents
Critics claim that the loss of these "essentials" will mean that many venues will be forced to close as they have lost their reason for being.
A spokesperson for UK publicans commented:
What are they trying to do? Make the maids all cranky and cooks all queer? Make dogs hurry for cover and cringe there in fear?
Spokesperson for the Australian Pubs Association, Bill "Battler" Heslop told FNN:
Have these poms never heard of Slim Dusty or the wild dingos call?
A pub with no beer it's like a chinky with no rice or an Indian with no curry. For f**k's sake!
Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinny...I'm parched.
EU spokesperson Ursual von Richthofen is not a fan of British beer:
The EU has banned all imports of lukewarm British beer and will no longer be exporting our excellent lagers and beers to the UK.
Maybe this will stop those leave voters coming to the EU and chucking chairs around our football stadiums and chanting: Who ate all the pies? The EU did!