The head of the UK's MI5, Stavros Ernst Blofeld, has appealed to the Russian diaspora to consider a career in MI5 as a spy.

The appeal was made from behind the counter of a kebab shop in Stoke Newington, North London, known to be an MI5 safe-house.

An MI5 spokesperson explained:

We have been mightily impressed by the failure of Russia's secret service SMERSH to kill the Skripals and Navalny with their "deadly" Novichok poison and so we would like some of that failure to rub off on us.

MI5, along with the CIA and Mossad, have been far too successful quietly eliminating people all over the world without anywhere near the free mainstream media publicity that the Russians get.

So we would like a few failures to "balance the books"  - so to speak - and we think that disaffected Russians against the war in the Ukraine can help us.

We have established a new hotline for applicants: 1-800-POOTIN.

Please call now.

MI5's top spy, 007 aka Sir Hilary Bray, was unavailable for comment as he is currently "On His Majesty's Secret Service" in a bedroom on the Shilthorn in Switzerland.