A wooden phallus discovered near Hadrian's Wall in Northern England is reckoned to be a Roman dildo from the days of Fabius Maximus - but FNN doubts this.

The operative end of the dildo is only 10 cms long, which is far too short given the normal size of well-hung 'Italian Stallions'. This suggests that the dildo is an import, perhaps from the Far East, that made its way to Britain via the 'Ann Summers' trading route from distant Thailand.

Scientists have got quite energized by the new find, especially over analyzing why certain areas of the dildo are more worn than others. So they have had to do a lot online research involving heavy use of chatlines and interviewing webcam models on Tik-Tok. An experiment is also planned with a group of German swingers from the town of Dickschwanger to chart the many ways the dildo can be utilized in practice and how well it fits various orifices.

As usual, the Romans prove to be a highly practical nation, and this new dildo find will take its place alongside other Roman innovations such as a highly effective and sustainable way to wipe your bottom using a sponge on a stick. A technique that came back into fashion during the COVID toilet paper shortages.