Sir Keir Starmer is appealing to traditional labour voters with his radical new energy plan to get us through the winter: Use coal.

The new plan proposes a government grant to pay for putting a coal bunker in front of every house and replacing oil/gas boilers and heat pumps with a fireplace, an iron grate and a chimney pipe.

Pensioners who sign up for Prime will be eligible for a free coal scuttle and poker using an Amazon coupon.

A spokesperson for Sir Keir told FNN:

We realise that importing coal from China is not very green. But think of the upside! Cheap energy, the return of the London fog and lots of new jobs as a 'coalperson'.

While the government waffles on about wind, solar and hydrogen we want to take Britain back to the days when everyone had a roaring fire in the grate, there were only two TV channels and porn meant The Benny Hill show.

A spokesperson for carmaker Tesla commented:

We commend Sir Keir's bold initiative and are investigating how we can put a steam engine into our next Tesla model and re-introduce coaling stations into supermarket car parks, like they used to have in Aden. (Editor's note: Yemen).