As children return to school, they are being introduced to the new physical education (PE) curriculum that has been updated to reflect more modern realities. The new curriculum includes:

• chasing
• weaving
• twerking

Chasing splits the class in two and one half chases the other until they have all been caught and neutralized aka Gangbusters. Weaving is an activity designed to help young people navigate the pavement and avoid collisions while being totally engrossed in their phones. Twerking simulates a sex act that is considered totally appropriate for key stage 1-3 students in this age of Internet porn.

A PE teacher told FNN:

PE is due a shake-up and the new curriculum is designed to ensure that today's children are equipped with the physical skills they need to survive and thrive both at work and on the streets. For example twerking is now an essential skill demanded by both universities and employers to prove that a student - whether a male, female or trans - can 'work it' effectively when required either by their Uni tutor or their boss.