The Russian FSB has apologized to the CIA, MI6 and Mossad for "poor performance" as it slipped down the assassination league table after a surprise entry by Saudi Arabia.

Recently, according to Western media, the FSB has failed to kill at least two assassination targets both outside and inside Russia. This lack of professionalism has led to an unprecendented apology from the FSB to the other major spy organizations for "letting the side down".

The slip in standards and loss of league-table status is also likely to terminate valuable Hollywood contracts for the FSB to play the baddies in the James Bond movie franchise and anything else where either Brits or Nazis are not the baddies.

According to an FSB spokesperson, the switch to the deadly nerve agent Novichok has proven less effective than both umbrellas and tea. If the FSB is relegated from the Premier League at the end of the soccer season then it will have to resort to simply turning up and shooting people, which is the go-to method for everyone in the assassination First Division due to lower remuneration levels.

An anonymous source at the CIA said he was disappointed with Russia's performance and offered this advice:

Here at the Agency we are convinced that assassination by drone strike is the most effective way to go about our business. The only problem with this method is cost. Each drone costs about $6 million which is an expensive way to kill a few Afghan civilians. After all, $6 million is the equivalent of 10,000 $600 COVID stimulus checks or one episode of Homeland (without Damien Lewis that is).

An anonymous source at Mossad commented:

We have been using letter bombs since we tried to kill off the British Cabinet in 1946. But compared to drones, this method is very cheap - just the cost of a second class stamp and an envelope - so it's easy for us to get budget approval to kill anyone we want as long as they have a letterbox. 

An anonymous source at MI6 claimed some credit for the FSB's failings:

MI6 managed to cause Russian FSB officers to lose focus on a recent assassination attempt in the UK by offering them free entrance to Salisbury Cathedral and a slap-up cream tea after their visit. We have CCTV footage showing a couple of FSB colonels tucking into Dorset knobs, Wiltshire ham sandwiches and lashings of Old Jamaica ginger beer at the cathedral cafe - displaying an appalling lack of professionalism and confirming how easy it is to "honey trap" even ruthless Russian agents.