Remember the old Beatles hit: Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?

Well now a report suggests that the UK pension age will have to be raised to 128 by 2050 in order to pay today's pensioners.

A spokesperson explained:

The current UK pension age of 66 is unsustainable.

We tried to kill all those old buggers off with COVID but too many of them survived due to their exceptional immune systems developed before fast-food, fizzy drinks and bacon rolls became the UK's staple diet.

Therefore we have calculated that if the pension age is raised to 128, we can not only pay-off today's pensioners but also ensure that very few pensions are paid out in the future. Bonus!

Australian pensioner Bill "Swinger" Heslop, drawing a UK pension after decades of living in Earls Court London, told FNN:

I got my winter fuel payment this year.

I spent it warming myself up with a charming lady I found online who was happy to do a 2-hour 'outcall' for just £500.

Only problem is, I'm bloody freezing now.

Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinnie. I'm parched.