While normally the UK's boxing day sales are about watching people running over each other and fighting over a bargain flat-screen TV, this year's sales will be different as the UK Government puts a number of state assets up for sale to help with easing record national borrowing.

FNN has learned that among the bargains on offer this boxing day are:

• the NHS
• the railways
• the post office
• UK airports

As all these assets have been subject to strikes recently, the Government thinking is that if someone else owns them then they can't be blamed for the chaos caused when they stop functioning. The funds raised from the sell-off will be used for critical new spending priorities such as funding the purchase of weapons to kill people, children's gender-transition programs and a new English Channel naval fleet to faciliate cross-channel migration.

Of course, neither Russia nor China will be allowed to purchase any of these assets as part of their 'belt-and-braces' initiative, so it looks like either they will remain unsold or will end up being bought by Elon Musk.

FNN has learned that Elon's plan is to:

• equip with NHS with Tesla electric ambulances and lots of electronic Tesla 'machines that go PING'.
• move the railways underground using his Boring Company to create a new hypersonic 'tube' seamlessly connected to a nationwide electric tram network
• sell off the post office to Amazon after having switched it to a fleet of Tesla delivery vehicles and converting all the old red post and phone boxes to e-car charging stations
• use SpaceX to turn UK airports into space travel hubs and personal flying vehicle landing sites for use by the wealthy

Sounds like a great plan. Why isn't Elon running this country?