Hot on the heels of threats to steal sanctioned Russian assets as a simple means to pay the loot to Ukraine, the UK Government is rumoured to be considering a similar process to help reduce the cost of supplying weapons to kill people. A rapidly escalating cost that is pushing up the national debt.

A UK Government spokesperson told FNN:

We thought that stealing UK taxpayer money to keep Ukraine supplied with weapons to kill people would be protested. Much as we thought that draconian COVID lockdowns to contain a flu virus would encounter massive resistance.

But it turns out, as with COVID, that there has been virtually no opposition. Perhaps because all the people being killed are, after all, not really Europeans but Slavic 'untermenschen'. Although surely no-one in the liberal 21st century really thinks like that do they?

So we have realized that we can use the stealing of Russian sanctioned assets as a legitimate 'playbook' for helping us to find more creative ways to pay for weapons to kill people.

Therefore we are considering a number of possibilities:

• 'Garnishing' the savings of anyone with a UK bank account to use the money to buy weapons.
• Reducing the interest on Premium Bonds so that prize money can be diverted to buy weapons.
• Adding a new cost line on everyone's council tax bills - 'Weapons Procurement' - used to buy weapons.
  
• Establishing a new 'Weapons ISA' where the interest is paid not to the holder but to buy weapons.
• Giving weapons-funding charitable status so money can be provided by the National Lottery to buy weapons.

EU spokesperson Ursula Von Richthofen commented:

Despite Brexit - a phrase I learned from watching your darling, unbiased BBC - we commend the UK on this kind of progressive thinking.

Mainly because the more money coming from the UK to buy weapons means the less money that the EU has to spend from its own budget. Vorsprung durch Teknik!