Following complaints from new recruits that it's 'like, way too hard' to get awarded a Victoria or George Cross, Britain's MOD has announced a new medal called the 'Conspicuous Obvious Numchuk' or CON that will be available to all ranks even dropouts from basic training.

The MOD justified its decision by claiming that today's Army needs to ensure that anyone can get a medal for whatever reason in order that every veteran can sport a rainbow medal ribbon at Remembrance Day parades. Otherwise how can they post a decent selfie to Instagram or Tik-Tok?

The CON medal has some special characteristics:

• it can only be awarded in response to a whopping lie about how you deserved to get it
• it can only be presented by a Love Island celebrity (not royalty - unless they are on Love Island)
• it's made of chocolate

Bill 'Battler' Heslop who won the Kylie Minogue Cross at the battle of Foster's Drift somewhere in the Australian outback commented:

Listen cobber. Your pommie Army used to be the envy of the world. Now it only gets a few thousand views on YouTube. Get a grip for fuck's sake! Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinny, I'm parched.