As FNN previously reported, the US has cancelled its gain-of-function research with the Wuhan lab for breach of contract and now it appears this work has been transferred to the UK's Porton Down facility, home of the so-called Skripal Novichok variant.

A spokesperson explained:

We have been tasked with producing 'Disease X' so that we have something that is quickly available to start the next pandemic when ordered to do so by the Government or Pfizer.

Disease X could also be used by MI5 to poison Russian spies as clearly Novichok does not work.

Contrary to rumour, the development of Disease X is nothing to do with the Twitter rebrand and Elon Musk.

But the Mork and Mindy Mates Foundation has expressed an interest in any disease we develop so it can have an inside track on developing a vaccine for it.

From his base in Davos, Switzerland, the leader of the Mysterons (aka The Hood) and author of The Great Reboot 2030 begs to differ:

We know this Disease X is really an initiative backed by Elon Musk and intended to kill Martians by using a biological warhead on a SpaceX rocket destined for the Red Planet.

But we will not allow this to happen and when we can actually get a train to Salisbury, we will be sending Captain Black to destroy Porton.

So our advice to earthlings is: Keep away from Wiltshire and don't eat the ham unless you wish to be annihilated! Hahahahah!

An MI5 spokesperson commented:

We are not worried about Captain Black.

He will probably enter the UK on his own passport, spend the night in a London hotel getting drunk and ordering hookers, and be captured by CCTV cameras everywhere he goes in the UK.

Just like those stupid Russian FSB agents before they failed to kill the Skripals and were then allowed to return to Russia.