Following the publication of a recent report prepared by eminent criminologists, the Metropolitan Police has issued an apology, admitting that it has been institutionally biased against crime.

The report found that since its establishment in 1829, the Met has been biased against criminals and subject to a pervasive attitude that crime should not pay and criminals removed from the streets.

According to the report, this oppressive attitude must be rooted out as it clearly transcends ethnic boundaries since even in today's more racially diverse Met, it is not only white officers but also those from BAME backgrounds who display the same bias and misguided attitude towards criminals and crime.

The Met also admitted that the report was right to point out that it has become unnecessarily weaponized in the face of beheadings, suicide bombers, mass shootings with assault rifles and the use of molotov cocktails at peaceful protests. Henceforth, officers would return to being equipped only with a rubber truncheon and wearing only soft baseball caps as there is clearly no need for riot shields, helmets and tasers.

The report also called for the Met to be "defunded" in order to minimize the number of police on duty in the community as this could help to prevent crime. Defunding will also halt the increasing use of technology such as town-center CCTVs and bodycams to identify criminals in action and facilitate a rapid response to crime taking place and to hold police to account if they step out of line in the course of their duties. 

Going forward, police officers will no longer be equipped with bodycams and mobile phones and instead will return to using whistles and relying on those little blue phone boxes installed every fifty miles with the major metropolitan areas. And in order to prevent accidents resulting from high speed car chases of stolen vehicles, police will no longer patrol in cars capable of catching up with criminals and instead be issued with pogo sticks.

A spokesperson for the Commissioner of Police for the Metropolis had this to say:

The Metropolitan Police apologizes unreservedly for its disgraceful bias against criminals and crime. There is no place for such outdated attitudes in a modern, democratic society that recognizes that crime is merely the natural response of the oppressed and dispossessed towards their social oppressors and people with more stuff (i.e. anyone and everyone else).

We hope that by re-aligning the Met to modern values, we will better respect the human rights of criminals and do away with hateful anti-crime institutions of the past, such as the judiciary system, and help to close those hateful pan-national bureaucracies such as INTERPOL designed to harass criminals across national borders and prevent their right to freedom of movement so they can commit crimes wherever they want.