For many years, ordering an Escort has been a seedy and salacious business but all that is about to change, based on rumours of the launch of a new Amazon service: Amazon Escort.

FNN has learned that Amazon Escort will enable male and female Escorts to travel to customer homes in regular delivery trucks or by drone for rush orders.

Amazon Escort will also offer both "one-time" and "subscription" purchasing options and a new fridge door button will be available so that you can order an Escort on-demand at the touch of a button along with half a dozen eggs and some bacon.

A new Alexa command - Alexa. Escort. - will also be available so you can order an Escort directly from your sofa.

An anonymous Amazon spokesperson leaked these details of the new offering to FNN:

We think that COVID lockdown is the perfect time to launch Amazon Escort, which will only be available to Prime members, who must be over 18.

Drone delivery will be available in selected "red light" districts only and our free return offer will not be available with Amazon Escort.

However, a new hot line, staffed by experts from the Penthouse letters page, will be on-hand to ensure customers understand what they can do with their Escort if they need help during unboxing and setup.

Like any other Amazon product, Escorts will be subject to customer rating and review and a range of recommended products will be offered for delivery with the Escort to help enhance the customer experience.

This new service will move society on from its reliance on notices for "french lessons" in newsagent windows and naughty postcards plastered around mobile phone recharging stations in airports. We are proud to be playing our part in reducing the existential loneliness resulting from interminable COVID lockdowns.

A Babenation spokesperson commented:

The monopoly commission needs to look at this. Amazon Escort will kill our business of exhibiting strapping, insufficiently-clothed women twiddling their mobile phones on late-night TV. If you agree, please call this number: 1-800-EXHORBITANTRATE.

Hugh Heffner was unavailable for comment.