In a shocking discovery, the Metropolitan Police found thousands of bodies of people known as "remoaners" in disused warehouses all around London and the South-East.

In most cases, the Police were called in when neighbours complained about illegal raves as Edith Piaf's "Non. Je ne regrette rien." was playing at full blast into the night.

Mass suicides have been reported in Lambeth, Hackney and Haringay - all remoan heartlands where the cult had recruited successfully in its early days before the shock referendum result.

Apparently the remoaners had a last supper of Greek olives and Bavarian frankfurters before drinking French Moet et Chandon laced with EU pesticide. Tragically, this was the same champagne stockpiled to celebrate a Remain win at the referendum. The whole thing was eerily reminiscent of the Texas "Whacko" cult led by Jimmy "The Cane" Edwards and the horrifying Jonestown mass kool-aid chugging event.

FFN found a suicide note from cult leader Colonel Mo Kurtz-Swanson that read:

The horror. The horror. The horror of life without the Erasmus student exchange program was too much for us to bear.

We tried to offer the unwashed, populist Northern and Welsh masses a real choice at the election - to Remain - via a concerted campaign of fear, uncertainty and doubt but they failed to fall for it. 

When it was clear on FAB1 (First-Day After Brexit, January 1) that all the lorries were passing through Dover with minimal delays we knew our heartrending apocalyptic prophecy had come true: Life would go on as normal.

So our only choice was to move to Cape Wrath and wait for Scotland to secede from the Union and rejoin the EU or to end it all. 

We chose death over living in one of the few areas on earth without Starbucks and Amazon Prime deliveries.

Adios. Au Revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Ciao. Cheerio.

Captain Nigel "Willard" Farage told us:

My orders were to terminate the EU. With extreme prejudice given their unsound methods. I have accomplished my mission.

A glue-sniffing, shaven-headed, photographer covered in tats and festooned in cameras was babbling:

I'm just a small man. A political non-entity. A little Englander with a compromised mental outlook. The EU are large well-fed people. With grand visions and big expense accounts. What right do we have to judge?

EU spokesperson, Ursula von Richthofen told FNN:

We are sorry to hear of the death of the remoaners but you know, life goes on. We need someone to buy all those diesel cars languishing in lots all over Europe so some collateral damage is unavoidable. Vorsprung Durch Teknik.