[Note: This whole item was written in a dialect of Govan Gaelic known as "Nesbitt" but was translated so youse sassenach bastards can read it.]

Following on from the mass suicide of the Remoan cult, Scotland appears to be the next casualty of Brexit as glue-sniffing in Glasgow hits an all time high among young people.

Scotland's young people have become even more depressed because now they are no longer Europeans and have to spend most of their time in Scotland. 

A Scottish young person explained:

When we were part of the EU we could spend 364 days in Europe without a visa and just come home for one day for a big piss up on hogmanay and to give some English bastards a kickin'. Now we have to live here all year around. It's messing wi' ma heed.

EU spokesperson Ursula von Richthofen told FNN:

We will miss the Scottish young people with their pies and bagpipes but our bailout money is limited especially now that Brexit has left a big hole in our budget. Also we recently passed an EU directive that mandates the wearing of underwear, which might not go down well with the "lassies" in Glasgow - or anywhere else in the UK for that matter - on a Saturday night.

A spokesperson for the Scottish Department of Emigration commented:

Lack of opportunity used to force all our young people to go to Europe in search of a better life. Something that was called "the highland clearances". Now our young people can stay home and focus on creating opportunites for themselves and their future in Scotland. Result!