The world awoke to the news that Julian Assange has finally been freed - hooray! - and will be transported to Australia along with some trade unionists from Tolpuddle, Dorset.

A condition of his plea bargain is that he will never, ever be able to visit the USA. That means no trips to Disneyland or Waterworld in San Dimas. Excellent!

Assange has been detained for years at Her/His Majesty's Pleasure in the UK at the behest of the US government. The US have dropped their demand for Assange's extradition in exchange for the UK allowing their diplomats, service people and spies to drive on the wrong side of the road in the UK and not pay their parking tickets.

A spokesperson explained the sudden, unexpected release:

It's only a few months away from the 2024 US elections and we don't want anything screwing it up for Joe Biden, especially demonstrations for the release of some obscure Australian guy.

Releasing Assange gives the Biden administration some global kudos that Trump can't top so we are doing it now, before we go to the matresses and while we have the muscle.

Fancy a canoli?

Former Australian Mafia soldier Bill "The Button" Heslop told FNN:

When the boss tells me to push the button, I push the button. Yeah, that's right Senator I kill people.

Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinnie. I'm parched.