The pithy, one-word OFSTED assessments of UK schools - from outstanding to inadequate - may be replaced by a more comprehensive 'rating report' card by the Labour government.

A spokesperson explained:

The new report cards will provide a much better summary of a school's performance across a range of assessment factors than a single word can.

FNN has learned that some of the new report card ratings will include:

• Lacks attention - could do better.
• Not performing to ability.
• Too much time spent looking out the window.
• Lack of analytical thinking.
• Maybe should give up on dreams of Oxbridge.

Oh sorry. That was my report card.