The UK's High Speed train project - HS2 - is to be rerouted in order to reduce the spiralling costs.

A spokesperson explained:

Feedback from surveys has confirmed that in fact no-one wants to go up North to Birmingham or Manchester so the original route is no longer viable.

At one time we envisaged running 18 trains an hour to Birmingham until we realised that there is no reason to go there.

We have decided to reroute HS2 to start from Neasden station in North London (with car parking for 28 cars and one coach) and end at Woking station where you can catch the Railair bus to get to Heathrow airport.

This is expected to save £500 billion pounds, which can be better spent on building lots more Bibby Stockholms to relieve council housing waiting lists.

Former Australian wheeltapper and shunter, Bill "Mind the Gap" Heslop commented:

I never understood why they didn't contract the job to the Chinese as part of their belt-and-braces project and go all the way by connecting Bejing with Birmingham.

Hey Muriel! fetch me a tinnie. I'm parched.