In preparation for Scottish independence, the Scottish Borders Minister, Rab C Nesbitt, has revealed details of the proposed design of Scottish passports.

FNN has learned that the new passports:

• Are optionally available in red or green tartan covers (sponsored by Irn-Bru)
• Contain a stirring message from honorary Scot, Mel Gibson: We all end up dead, it's just a question of how and why
• On first use, entitle the bearer to a free macaroon bar, can of Tennants or pie and beans in The Clansman (Craiglang)

Innovatively, each time the passport is opened it will play the new Scottish national anthem, "Braveheart", composed by Ben Doon and his lyric-writing partner, Phil McCavity.

The Scottish borders will offer freedom of movement to EU passports holders but the English will need to fill in an online form and pay £98 to enter Scotland for a maximum of 3 days. All English assets in Scotland will of course be nationalized and payment made to owners in the new Scottish currency, fondly known as 'The Bevy' and already in widespread use.

A deal is also being negotiated with China for them to rebuild Hadrian's Wall as part of their global belt-and-braces initiative and Russia is expected to take up a lease on Scapa Flow as the new home for their North Atlantic Fleet with a hypersonic missile base on Benbecula in the Outer Hebrides. The local NAAFI is already stocking up on vodka.

The island of St Kilda is to be developed into a new 5-star resort focused on the increasingly popular sport of Puffin shooting as all the grouse on the mainland are dead.

In addition, Shetland will be ceded to Norway for an enormous sum of money from their sovereign wealth fund that should ensure Scotland's fiscal future for decades.