The UK's first teacherless classroom, using AI, is to be pioneered by David Game College, a private school in London.

The use of AI will be particularly helpful in learning what you are good and bad at in a subject and then amending lesson plans accordingly to optimise performance. All students will become 'machine learners'.

One of the subjects expected to be managed by AI is sex education, which is entirely appropriate given that most young people today get their sex education from porn on the Internet rather than inscrutable booklets from the church.

A spokesperson explained:

Young people will no longer be expected to learn female anatomy by looking up at a naked girl sitting astride a pommel horse or required to roll a condom onto a banana or chocolate flavour ice-lolly.

Instead, students will be partnered up and asked to perform a number of sexual activities in front of a webcam so the AI can evaluate their performance and then show them one of the millions of instructive videos it has been trained on to help them improve.

Selected student performances could be uploaded to Tik-Tok so they can be monetized to assist with school budgets and maybe snag the student a product sponsorship deal, Dylan Mulvaney style.

Former Australian headmaster Bill "Chips" Heslop told FNN:

I used to teach sex education to our choirboys and I reckon my hands-on approach was far better than any AI can deliver.

They didn't call me the headmaster for nothing!

Apropos of nothing, we used to call meatloaf 'elephant dick' at my school. Those were the days.

Hey Muriel! Fetch me a tinnie. I'm parched.