UK schools are starting to implement 'no touching' policies to prevent excessive socialising and the development of 'romantic relationships' to preserve the health of their 'communities' and prevent 'inappropriate' behaviour.

Instead, students will be encouraged to socialise through texts and tweets and to watch even more porn on their mobiles to learn about ways to socialize either in pairs or small groups and with the aid of 'toys'.

A school spokesperson explained:

Touching is a fatal flaw and the first step on the primrose way to the everlasting bonfire (that's Shakespeare BTW). It can lead to mental health problems and eventually murder, as it did with Macbeth. So it has to be banned.

Australian boarding school survivor Bill "Spaz" Heslop told FNN:

I spent plenty of time at school touching myself - usually at night in the bogs in the company of Mayfair. And when I wasn't doing that I was dreaming about touching someone female for a bit of emotional comfort or 'flirting' as we used to call it. A ban on touching? It's bollocks.  

EU spokesperson Ursula Von Richthofen commented:

The EU has strict rules on touching, which are included in over 7869 examples of banned behaviour in EU Directive 34216. In Germany, we are updating our CCTV algorithms to spot people touching in public places so that they can be arrested and put in solitary confinement to cure them of their unhealthy social skills. Vorsprung Durch Teknik!