London's Victorian sewers were built after the Great Stink of 1858, which created a stench from the river that was so bad that parliament was unable to do its job. Now the 19th century sewers are unable to cope with the sludgy effluent generated by eating too many takeaways so a new solution is needed.

FNN has learned that the real reason for Nicola Sturgeon's resignation was that Westminster has authorized the construction of a giant septic tank in the Highlands of Scotland. The tank will be fed by a new pipeline from London so the waste can managed far away from the capital and hopefully converted into a new form of peat that can be burned in tower blocks around Scotland to mitigate the cost of living crisis.

Sturgeon feared that the smell from the new septic tank, approximately the size of Nairnshire, would trigger another Highland clearance and decided to get out while the going was good.

The 'Sassenach' tank will require daily emptying via a giant suction pipe that will exit somewhere between Shetland and the Faroes, an area already designated to become the site of a giant salmon farm to supply UK supermarkets with a new fish brand known as 'Septic Salmon'.