The British press has revealed that Britain has in fact been having diplomatic talks with Russia, while the Ukraine war rages on.

Bizarrely, senior diplomats deny the talks are aimed at ending the conflict.

Instead FNN has learned that they are more to do with why the Russians are not buying more British football clubs and understanding where all the Russian oligarch money has gone that was once welcomed in the City and trickled down into big fat bonuses for the fintech community.

A spokesperson told FNN:

We are in no way divvying up parts of the country or making peace agreements on anyone’s behalf, like Churchill and Stalin did on the back of an envelope at the end of WW2, but it’s vitally important to keep that line of contact open and a high-quality envelope ready, just in case.

EU spokesperson Ursula Von Richthofen commented:

NATO has decided that the Ukraine is no longer a country but officially has the status of 'battlefield innovation centre' in order to develop new generation weapons for use in NATO's many defensive operations.

This means that the war must continue indefinitely in order to continue to test and improve weapon systems so they can be made more expensive to buy and the MIC can make even more money.

Vorsprung durch Teknik!