Donald Trump has arrived in New York where he is expected to announce his latest real estate deal - the purchase of the Manhattan criminal court. The court is widely recognized as having seen better days and is a typical target for a Trumpian acquisition so it can be 'flipped' into something else in exchange for a large tax break.

The former President has promised that once the current trial of a guy who paid a porn star some money in exchange for a NDA is over, he will convert the building into a homeless shelter for abused interns to be named The Poontag Centre, showing he doesn't bear any grudges by wanting to remind us all of the glories of another much-missed era of US political history.

The City is in a state of high alert as the trial looks set to cause more public interest than former flagship murder trials such as that of the Mad Sculptor, Bob Irwin, and many others. Whereas these trials were based on notorious and gruesome murders, the current trial is about a guy who paid a porn star some money in exchange for a NDA. So why it's attracting so much attention is a mystery.

Or is it?

FNN has received this message from the Davos-based headquarters of the matter-reversing Mysterons:

Earthmen...we are peaceful beings. And you have tried to destroy us with your nonsensical legal shenanigans. But you cannot succeed. You and your people will pay for any act of aggression. This is the voice of the Mysterons.

We know that you can hear us, Earthmen. Our retaliation will be slow, but nonetheless effective. It will mean the ultimate destruction of life on Earth. It will be useless for you to resist, for we have discovered the secret of reversing matter, as you have just witnessed.

We were then handed a pork pie that was created by reversing the matter from a Swiss Raclette cheese.