At the NATO summit the US defense secretary has said that the defensive alliance needs to prepare for 'protracted wars' and create 'arsenals of democracy'.

As a result NATO needs to be radically reconfigured to meet future threats.

A spokesperson explained that this reconfiguration will include:

• The UK will be renamed Airstrip 1, Germany Airstrip 2 and the Ukraine Airstrip 3
• The geostrategic world will be divided into 3 areas: Oceania, Eastasia and Eurasia
• NATO will develop its own language - 'Natospeak' - to promote common understanding of shared concepts
• Personnel found guilty of 'thoughtcrimes' will be extradicted to Russia or China, it's their choice
• A Ministry of Truth will be established for the purposes of 'narrative management'
• Everyone in NATO countries will be issued with a 'telescreen' through which all external content will be channeled
• Everyone will automatically be opted-in to a hilarious reality TV show called 'Big Brother is Watching You!'

Oh what larks Pip!

George Orwell was unavailable for comment.