All travellers from the UK to the UK will now require an Export Health Certificate (EHC) in addition to their normal passport, COVID passport and any other passports introduced by the EU under its acclaimed 'Freedom of Movement' ideal.

The EHC must be signed by a Vet to confirm that the traveller does not have any traces of ingredients derived from animals outside of the EU.

EU spokesperson Ursula Von Richthofen explained: 

The EHC is necessary to ensure that no non-EU animal by-products enter our sewage systems from UK travelers.

Our border control agents will be trained in the new procedure to test the validity of the new EHC certificates.

This procedure requires an anal probe to get a sample for testing. Rather like the Chinese COVID test reserved exclusively for foreign diplomats and widely shared on Tik-Tok.

So all you Brits better get ready to bend over at the border.

Come to think of it, that could be the title of Germany's next Eurovision song contest entry: Beugen Sich Zum Dem Grense.

Vorsprung Durch Teknik!