Faecal Matter Transplant (FMT) is the transplant of faecal matter from a healthy donor into someone suffering from the C.diff superbug that is now costing the NHS millions of pounds in extra toilet cleaning expenses. FMT will now be available in special tubs stored alongside ice-cream in supermarket freezers.

C.diff swabs will be made available in supermarkets so you can test for the bug and then buy some poo if you test positive. The FMT tub comes compete with a DIY enema kit, a bit like a Covid test, but going in the other end.

A supermarket spokesperson told FNN:

Of course selling poo is a new thing for supermarkets in the UK but soon we will be selling water filtered from sewage (see FNN U-benders) and a new range of crispy insects to help deal with food poverty. We are working with Walkers and other snack manufacturers to figure out the best way to flavor cockroaches imported from around the world. The current choice seems to be Bovril flavor.

EU spokesperson, Ursula von Richthofen, commented:

Here in the EU we would not go near your post-Brexit faecal matter. We believe C.diff has escaped from a lab, either in Russia or China, and is yet another fiendish attempt to undermine democracy and the West. So we intend to treat C.diff with increased regulation in order to eliminate it from the EU. Vorsprung durch Teknik!