Swedish Lutheran minister, Greta Thunderberg, has been booked to address the Edinburgh International Book Festival (sponsored by Irn-Bru) as a late replacement for banned author J K Rowling, who is now no longer a member of the Governing body of Hogwarts school due to her anti-trans views and 'muggle-shaming'.

Festival Director, Rab C Nesbitt, took time off from scarfing down a pie and beans in the Clansman pub to tell FNN:

All these books. They're messin' wi' ma' heed! Can anyone stand me a bevy?

Greta's sermon, reputedly endorsed by global conglomerate Net Zero Inc. (tagline: Reset This Klaus!) is expected to deliver another of her famous 'fire and brimstone' rants about the end of the world, polar bears, the Maldives etc while focusing on some specifically Scottish issues:

• the historical depopulation of St Kilda due to man-made climate change
• banning scots pies to reduce methane emissions
• encouraging the wearing of kilts without underwear to increase the sperm count
• evicting everyone from the Outer Hebrides in order to cover everywhere with wind turbines