To reflect the modern, diverse British Army and 21st century expectations of emotional intelligence, the UK's Ministry of Defence (MOD) has issued guidance for new parade ground orders.
FNN has learned that added to regular orders like fall-in/out, quick/slow march, shoulder/slope arms and that all time favourite 'get in fucking step you fucking tosser', are the following (wait for it...):
- Empathize! For example when listening to a captured sniper claim that he didn't mean to shoot your mate, honest.
- Prepare to Weep! For example after telling some towel-head POW to shuffle off his mortal coil and blowing him away.
- Assume the Position! For example hi-fiving your mates after a successful drone strike on a wedding party.
A MOD spokesperson told FNN:
Today's soldiers must be more flexible than previous generations. They must be capable of being more than just killing-machines disposing of 'chess-pieces' but able to switch into 'woke' mode on-demand.
These new parade ground orders will be introduced first into 'teeth' arms like the SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Royal Marines before trickling down to the rest of the infantry and the technical corps.
A new course will be introduced for drill Sergeants to train them in the new orders and the new 'woke lingo'. This will enable them to give a full demonstration of the movement to recruits.
There will be a major linguistic challenge for the DS's since the word 'fucking' is banned, which is basically the most popular word in the military vocabulary as it serves so many grammatical purposes being used as a noun, verb, adjective and adverb as well as multiple times in a sentence.
But they will adapt with the introduction of exciting new-age American phrases like 'You bet your sweet bippie', 'Here come da Judge' and 'Blow in my ear and I'll follow you anywhere'.
Happy Days!