MI5 claims that the reason the £3bn aircraft carrier HMS Prince of Wales (PoW) was crippled near the Isle of Wight due to Russian interference before it left Portsmouth. Two FSB agents were spotted on CCTV footage enjoying candy floss and rides at Southsea funfair and taking selfies on HMS Victory. One of them was positively identified as Colonel Igor Crabb, a famous Soviet-era frogman.

The long arm of Putin, the one that hangs by his side, has now extended to Portsmouth as the Navy claim that Crabb must have dived below the ship and replaced the PoW's real propellor with a plastic one from an Airfix kit of the battleship Potemkin. It did not take long for this propellor to fail which is why the carrier ended up going round in circles off the Needles as the rudder was also replaced by one from the Airfix kit of the famous Kon-Tiki raft.

As previously reported by FNN, the PoW will now go to Scotland to be used as a refugee hotel while repairs are carried out in dry dock at Rosyth.

As Boney M famously said: Oh those Russians!

Ra-Ra-Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen
There was a cat that really was gone
Ra-Ra-Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine
It was a shame how he carried on

Boney M and Rasputin were unavaliable for comment.