Due to our shameful past, English Heritage has announced that it will erase all references to history from the landscape of England and Wales.
Fakes News has learned that this includes:
- demolishing all stately homes, castles and other symbols of our repressive past (railways, airports etc)
- removing all statues of anybody in case anyone objects to them
- renaming all streets with names reflecting our colonial past (e.g. Black Hole of Calcutta Drive renamed Bollywood drive)
- deleting anything including the word 'Empire' from the language (yes, that includes the Wigan Empire)
- removing history from the curriculum and burning all history books (especially Five Go Mad in Dorset)
- making all TV history experts redundant, even that fox Lucy Worsley
- establishing a special colonially-diverse commission to 'rewrite history so it looks better and less white'
A spokesperson for English Heritage commented:
We want to get shot of our shameful past. After all, we are talking about a time when we invaded countries to remove their rulers, bullied less developed nations with economic sanctions, murdered civilians in their thousands as collateral damage, beheaded, burned and blew up people just because of their religion, made workers into slaves by paying them pittances or no wages. None of this happens today so we don't want future generations to be burdened with a past historical legacy that includes all these hideous practices that they can learn from and avoid in their own times.
Historian David Starkey was unavailable for comment.