In order to pay for the triple whammy of COVID, illegal immigration and the proxy Ukraine war, the UK government has announced it will make a radical change to the pension age.

A spokesperson explained:

We have been persuaded to make this radical change at the request of Sir Paul McCartney who is sick of having to keep changing the age in his song "When I'm Sixty Four". First it was 64, then 66, and soon 68.

So instead of continually raising the pension age we will announce a new and much simpler policy:

You will become eligible for a pension when you are dead, that is when you are automatically 'de-banked' so we do not need to pay it.

We estimate this new policy will save the Treasury £342 billion per year, which is about what we are spending on booster shots, immigration and providing weapons to the Ukraine.

Sir Paul was unavailable for comment as there is no mobile signal on the Isle of Mull where he is currently on holiday with the lovely Rita, a former Liverpudlian meter-maid.