In a dramatic reversal, that caused all the wheels to screech, the British Government has announced that the UK railway system will re-nationalised and run by China.
Following the failure of the £50 billion HS2 high-speed rail project and the conversion of the new London-Birmingham line into a cycle track, the Government has thrown in the towel and handed over the rail system to China.
China expects to build the new UK-wide rail network in 28 weeks using the population of Hong Kong as the labour force and a network of underground tunnels built by Elon Musk's Boring Company.
The new network will cut the journey time from Penzance to Inverness to 6 hours from its current time of 6 days.
Every station will look exactly the same and comprise the following:
- a 6G hotspot managed by Huawei
- an Alibaba product distribution center
- a Chinese takeaway
A Government spokesperson, Dr. Barry "Branch-Line" Beeching told FNN:
It is now clear that we made the wrong decision to award the HS2 contract to Hornby-Scalextric, the ticketing system to the National Lottery and the food franchise to Greggs.
But we have learned our lesson and we are confident that the Chinese will do a better job of running the country, I mean the rail system, than we can.
Jeremy Corbyn, dressed in a fetching Mao Zedong pant suit and waving the Chinese flag, gave the news two thumbs up.
Dr. Fu Manchu refused to comment and instead placed his fingertips together, smiled inscrutably, and finished off with a wierd Wuhan laugh that made the ends of his dangly moustache quiver.