UK Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has promised a 'crackdown' on immigration into the UK in an attempt to stem the flow of illegal immigrants crossing the channel in small boats from France.

Essentially the new policy is aimed at making everyone coming to the UK by boat a fully legal immigrant at the border. The UK Border Force will now be re-trained and re-named 'The Welcome Force'

FNN has learned that the new policy includes:

• building 'welcome' jetties at various locations in southern and eastern England
• issuing every arrival with a fake utility bill (address: 10 Downing Street, London SW1) to prove their identity in the UK
• issuing every arrival with a free bus pass and NHS medical card
• giving every arrival the choice of a Tesco loyalty card or a Nectar card
• introducing arrivals to British culture with a choice of a tasty, hot Greggs bacon roll or a spicy chicken tikka masala

With policies like these, illegal immigration should be cut dramatically - although whether they will stop the boats or not is a different matter.