China has announced that it will deport everyone in Hong Kong to the UK to finally get rid of the Western imperialist legacy on the island and end the democracy protests, an irritating hangover from the disgraceful British colonial rule.

Once all the citizens have left, Taiwanese citizens will be offered free emigration and settlement grants to return to China via the Lantao re-education centre and occupy empty Hong Kong island.

In just two and a half weeks, China has built a brand new fleet of 1000 passenger liners capable of shipping 1 million people at a time. Then after the Hong Kong exodus this entire fleet will be used to provide cut-price holidays to the growing Chinese middle-class.

Imagine 1000 ships docked off Venice. That should reduce the price of coffee in St. Marks Square!

On the voyage to the UK, all the ships will offer courses in how to run businesses such as a takeaway, massage parlour and medicinal opium den in order to ensure the emigrants get a head-start to their life in the UK.

An emergency powers act has been passed by the UK Goverment to allocate most of Wales as a settlement area for the new immigrants.

A spokesperson for the First Minister of Wales commented:

Naturally, there'll be a warm welcome in the valleys and the hillsides for these new immigrants. But just because we Welsh like a number 6, 9 and 13 on a Saturday night doesn't mean we should receive a disproportionate influx into Wales. And anyway, the Chinese don't play rugby. We will be lobbying the Government to allocate a significant proportion to the Cotswolds to ensure a fair distribution of takeaways. Did anyone say: Just Eat!