A group of former soldiers in the British Army have successfully sued the MoD in a class action lawsuit for housing them in sub-standard accommodation, which was described by the judge as 'inadequate' and 'filthy' when put to use for processing asylum seekers.

The accommodation in question is the former Napier Barracks in Folkestone Kent, where the soldiers were billeted during part of their service in the army. The barracks were named after Victorian General Sir Charles James Napier of 'peccavi' fame and were state of the art at the time they were built.

Like many Army barracks they lacked ensuite-facilities, central heating, flat screen TV and free wifi which is expected these days as a human right by the UN. One of the litigants complained that he would have been better off in a Scandinavian prison.

Former national serviceman Bill "Battler" Heslop told FNN:

What a bunch of namby-pambies! When I joined the army in the 1970s the accommodation in the barracks was better than the dormitories in my state boarding school. What the f**k did they expect? A Travelodge?

And we had to clean our accommodation every day before breakfast. In fact you could eat your meals off our toilet seats they were that clean. If your kit wasn't spick and span the NCOs just threw it all out the window! Bring back 'Lads Army I say. 

Hey Muriel. Fetch me a tinny. I'm parched!

A spokesperson for a leading hotel chain commented:

We are in consultation with the Home Office to build a new nationwide hotel chain for asylum seekers called 'The Sanctuary'. Each Sanctuary will include a 9-hole golf course, a pool and a spa with a menu designed by Heston Blumenthal and delivered by Waitrose.

The new chain will be a bargain for taxpayers at a cost of around £1 billion. This trivial sum will be paid for by raising the council taxes nationwide and reducing bin collections to every 2 months.